I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
