Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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