i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
