bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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