I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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