I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
its not stalking. its research.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
