i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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