So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
