cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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