ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
