but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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