i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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