are you so shy because you have an std?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
