The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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