Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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