Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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