Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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