Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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