Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
