Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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