last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
