Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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