Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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