Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
