I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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