sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
