chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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