my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
