My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You took a bar mat shot.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
