I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
