Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize