I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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