Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
