Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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