he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
