I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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