I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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