Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
