This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
