I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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