So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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