I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
