Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
