eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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