Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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