so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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