I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You dont lie about slip and slides
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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