I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
