I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
