My first STD was from a foam party
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
