I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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