She said her name was "party"
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
