oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
