Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize