Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
