onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Randomize
