I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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