the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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