I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
