theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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