billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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