This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
