Umm I'm too high to move.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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